Grasping Thoughts
by Syzeria
Summary: It was hard for Cloud to remember his past and everything important. But it was a relief, a liberation, when Cloud could finally remember it all.


A.N: Oh, wasn't this a sudden inspiration! I was staring at my desktop images and I saw a snapshot of Tifa standing by Cloud, who was sitting on his bike. They looked so right, a dozen gleeful thoughts raced across my mind. Hence this abstract story.

The following sentences have ALL been strung together _deliberately_. I am not insane (or at least I hope not XD), I just want to try something new.  
Hint: Read it aloud, the oddly strung sentences are fast and almost ceaseless. You could look at them as some thoughts that Cloud strung together so fast he might not be able to remember them.  
Might. ; )

And, I would really love it if you would take a few moments to leave a comment for me! : )

Merci,  
~SZ

* * *

:**Grasping Thoughts**:  
by Syzeria

_I used to think I was sort of unfortunate in my life, I lacked what normal people had and could never wrap myself around the present and see the future_

_I never really knew my father, I failed and disappointed myself and a girl I hadn't really known in the beginning_

_Not to mention having my hometown burnt to the ground by my hero–now an enemy, losing my mother in flames, living in a test tube, getting poisoned by an overdose of endless memories and undefinable knowledge, losing myself and weakening my weak-enough grip on my past, and losing two friends_

_I'd carried that sense of misfortune throughout my life, I knew it But, why _didn't_ I give up somewhere along the way? What was the flicker of hope that lit my path–which seemed to plunge deeper and deeper into dark, impenetrable earth?_

_At first, I didn't know It was just always there, ever since I really felt things _

_Take air; it's always been there for us, so it's hard to appreciate  
_

_Until it disappears, though._

_And what's worse is when_ I_ made my happiness disappear_

_Strangely enough, I didn't want to make it go away, I didn't want to make you go away_

_It just happened _

_But even then, you were never really gone Not when you wanted to see a man, but found a stranger instead Not when I just gave up and stopped caring Not even when I was late–and I was late often.  
_

_I think that is significant._

_Unlike everyone else, though I care for them deeply nonetheless, none have stayed as long, as entirely as you_

_I know it's not their fault But then, that which is guilty for causing those separations ... might have wanted us to stay together like this, just us, with those who matter most right _now ...

_When I lost your slim ray of hope and strength, a happiness, I felt the darkness slowly bending my form, my mind, into something that could no longer see light Darkness compressed and covered my eyes and everything ended up as black and white Mostly black.  
_

_But you squeezed through the dark and pulled me out of its grasp_

_I felt as though I had been locked in a cage without a single light, it was nothing but darkness and eternal guilt and despair _

_Darkness, because I could see no light, no trace of a future _

_Hence the despair_

_Guilt, because I wished I'd have thought twice about how to be around people Now, I know how important it is to live with others_

_I was forever grateful when you found the key to the cage _

_My cage _

_The cage I created and crawled into almost willingly._

_The despair and tenebrous darkness has left, and I never want it to return Not even linger among the shadows of people and time._

_But I shut you away, by locking myself in my cage _

_And still you worked and helped find my key_

_Yes, you didn't do it alone, but what makes you so ... different, that you are most significant out of them all? Maybe it's because you have always been around, even on the outer shell of my cage_

_Thank you, Tifa.  
_

_... But guilt Sorrow Melancholy Shame _

_All words to describe what still lingers in my core and in my eyes_

_I can see it in my reflection_

_I can feel it on my face, over my heart_

_Knowing I shut you away more than once and had _you_ find the lock to my freedom, my chance for liberation ..._

_There is a clawing feeling inside me now One that renders me feeling useless and strongly wishing I had done things differently so I hadn't hurt anyone  
_

_I guess you are like the friend I must cast away, the friend which will always return to me, the one which makes me smile when you come back, despite my first intentions_

_Even though I've never, honestly tried to cast you away deliberately Pleadingly_

_Am I selfish that way? ...  
_

_I'm not quite sure, but the need to retrace my steps is growing above my logic The knowledge of the past being untouchable conflicts with my need to go back in time and the plead to move on to make my future better_

_The need for time to move faster leaves me unsteady inside, because the Planet's rotating far too slow for me But time will not oblige, and I must follow the flow it pursues_

_I feel as though I ought to leave my body and throw my consciousness forward, just to see what I might do tomorrow, or next week In a year ..._

"Cloud, welcome home," you say with a smile.

_It has been too long since you've said that_

_Perhaps it is the first of a new beginning_

I nod my head and a silent blush creeps up the sides of my neck, invading the paleness of my cheeks. You haven't moved from behind the counter, but maybe because you've almost dropped the glass in your hands in a flustered and self-conscious movement.

I walk around the bar counter and I see you hesitate as you move around. You're eyes wonder worriedly and the smallest amount of fear reside in them, too.

_Can I make it go away ...? Do you think I can make it vanish...?_

But I cannot wait for an answer. Without stopping for a moment to think, my arms shyly wrap around your waist from behind you. My arms set on fire as I do and my heart begins to hammer. I feel a little scared.

_Is this the right thing to do...? Is it too soon, too abrupt of a change on my part?_ These thoughts swim across my mind and back, but I can't help but enjoy this stunning feeling inside me.

You freeze momentarily and I feel you shudder. My arms tighten to comfort you, but you swerve around and lean into me, arms around my neck, and I grunt quietly in surprise.

_I feel warm, as though the first summer breeze wisps around at last, after a long winter and unproductive spring _

The gratitude inside us both keeps me composed on the surface, but my thundering heart and my heated face does not falter.

_My craving for the future to come quickly, very quickly, is leaving. And it feels good. Absorbing the present and nestling comfortably in it ... this is something new._

I feel you smile against me as we stay this way.

My heart sways tenderly and I form a smile of my own, believing things will be all right, because I am doing the right thing. Cracking my shell open and releasing some warmth and feeling.

_But, only because you are letting me try. I am so grateful for that. For you, and for Marlene and Denzel. There is no other way for it to be said._

_Please don't worry, Tifa. I think understand now. It's okay to let people in.  
_


End file.
